Texts from Last Night- Kazakhstan

I told you I would be back to the blog like a month ago, and then I stood you up. I'm a horrible, horrible, horrible correspondent and I hope you will forgive me of my absence. I have 58 days left as a PCV and so many things yet to tell you. So, as an effort to get back in your good graces, I have a special treat for you today- "Texts from Kazakhstan".

Some of you may be familiar with the site "Texts from Last Night", where people upload their funniest/most inappropriate texts to the internet, and anonymously bask in the shame (or is it pride?) that comes with the kind of dalliances best expressed by 120 characters or less. At our recent COS (close of service) conference in Almaty, a PCV created a presentation of only texts sent/received while in Kazakhstan. I was inspired. And I braved my own text history (sitenote, how does my little Russian phone have enough memory space to store every text message since I got here? wtf) and came up with some of the following, which I have added to the original presentation. I hope you enjoy it as a foray into the daily life of a PCV in Kazakhstan, wink wink.

(414) "Man, someday I'd like to wake up and see something besides steely gray..."
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(590) "If decrease means reduce and increase means multiply, why doesn't 'crease' mean maintain the status quo? eg the number of times baby pooed on my floor creased this week..."
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(175) "Do you think at a certain point the boredom elevates us to a zenlike state in which we finally feel freed from the insidious drive to seek stimulation?"
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(367) "On my way to integration. Had orange poop, then made the mayor laugh. How's your site?"
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(788) "I vomited out the window of the taxi after being force fed too many shots at our office birthday party. Then I toasted to Kazakhstan in Kazakh and the cabby nearly pulled over to buy us more vodka."

(r-788) "My host sister had the runs on the ground next to the outhouse because I was having the runs inside the outhouse and refused to open the door to let her in. We walked back to the house together in a knowing silence.

(rr-788) "Tie".
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(938) "The Peace Corps driver from last night is totally a do or date...he stopped the van so I could get a Snickers <3"
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(145) "My 60 year-old director just walked in wearing a see-through mesh shirt and I totally checked her out, thought yea, I need a shirt like that..."
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(004) "The people here are stoked to get another volunteer. Prepare to become a rock star".
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(399) "OMG my host sister is so cute. Its so exciting to be a baby! We're playing smack the wallpaper and she's freaking out with happiness".
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(566) "There's still cognac in our classroom, but I can't find chalk".
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(714) "When I got home, I threw up with that cow staring at me and then a dog ate it. Gross x 3 billion".
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(690) "They missed the hole AGAIN. You'd think they've been doing this long enough..."
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(547) "Music driving me fing crazy. F*ck! F*ck! F*ck I would eat an entire mutton to make it stop".
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(111) "I was on the bus back to site when it fell over in the snowbank. Fell. The. Eff. Over. We all climbed out the window and sat on the side of the road for 5 hours to wait for another bus. At least a babushka gave me fried bread".
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(629) "I just shat myself in public. Again".

(r-629) "Are you at least going to wash the clothes this time, or just leave them in a random trash bin?"

(rr-629) "Undecided".
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(204) "I was on the train when the conductor told me I had to pay a fine for some kind of crap or another. I told him I had no money because I spent it all on melons. He said 'fine, I'll take the melons'. I hope he doesn't wash them and comes down with an epic case of intestinal blowout".
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(489) "My counterpart just texted me and said 'Hey I can't come. I was in Zhanar'. God I love this country".
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(190) "I figured the KNB had bugged my house anyway, so I decided one night to only speak Russian just to make it easier for them".

(r-190) "What did you even talk about?"

(rr-190) "Oh, you know. The usual. My free time. My family. How much I love Kazakhstan. I rocked that novice high in PST, and you know what, I still got it".
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(835) "Host family says we're eating boiled horse intestine and jellied meat fat AGAIN. I need to move."
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(450) "I went number 2 in a ziploc baggy my mom sent from America because it was too cold to walk to the outhouse. Then I put it on the balcony so it wouldn't stink up the house. Please txt me in the morn 2 rmind me 2 get it, k?"
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(339) "I taught my director "I'll be back" in English just to see if the accent was like Arnold. It is. Oh the little things".
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(720) "Was just at train station and heard angry Kazakh lady screaming at ticket seller to change the damn ticket because she didn't mean to buy it for that day or to that city. God. Glad it's not only me who does that".
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(444) "At grammar club and need another English idiom. Pls txt asap."

(r-444) "Bob's your Uncle. How's that?"

(rr-444) "That'll do pig. That'll do."

(rrr-444) "Do you even know what it means?"

(rrrr-444) "No, does anyone?"
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(807) "Just realized that in Russian 'preservative' means 'condom', not a chemical substance put in food to make it last longer. Fcking cognates. I just told my whole class that in America, we put condoms in all our food."

(r-807) "I mean. At Taco Bell that's probably true."

(rr-807) "I'd take the condomo taco grando supremo anyday over the fried dog I'm sure is in my camsa at school".

(rrr-807) "Touche".
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(229) "Oy bi. Bleen. Mama rodnaya. Kashmar. Oozhas. Boje moi. Chort. Yolky palky. FML."

(r-229) "Family dog snagged your underwear off the line again?"

(rr-229) "Yea. And it was the last pair."
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(304) "Just let one rip on the most crowded marshrutka on the planet. Woman tried 2 open window but babushka said no. Everyone loses, but at least none of us will catch cold :D"